Remembering my father through film.

I never thought that I'd be posting something this personal here. I was debating if I should write this or not, and it's been very hard for me trying to put my feelings into words. Early this month, my father passed away. He was only 68. I drank myself stupid when I heard, and then a couple of days later I was carrying his casket, then drank myself stupid again afterwards. My left hand was shaking uncontrollably as they lowered him into to the grave, and I was struggling to hold in the tears. My father had died, and I was extremely upset for a while afterwards, but I think things really hit me hard a few days ago.

My family and I were collecting up his papers, his books, and other things. My mother asked if either I or my sister wanted anything anything of his to keep, something personal to remind me down the years. What I wanted more than anything else, was the old Indiana Jones DVD box set that I got him as a present many years ago. Mum asked was I sure there wasn't anything else I wanted, and I said no, this was what I wanted. This was something personal, that meant a lot to me, because we both loved Indiana Jones and we had watched the films so very many times together when I was growing up. It was a greater memento of my father than anything else I could have taken.

It was after watching Raiders of the Lost Ark and The Last Crusade back to back that the loss of my father really hit. We weren't all that close, and in the last few years, we didn't really see much of each other except at Christmas and other rare occasions. Just before Christmas 2008 was that last time I saw him, though I spoke to him on the phone not long after that. We didn't share many interests, he was a big football fan, and I wasn't. A couple of times, we'd be talking on the phone and he'd go quiet all of a sudden and not reply, only to let out a cheer abruptly as his team scored. That frustrated me, and I'd give out to him for ignoring me over the football. It was funny looking back on it. But films were one thing we shared an interest in, and that's when it really hit home, because when we were at our closest, it was watching films together. All my best memories of my father were enjoying James Bond movies, or Star Wars, and films with Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bruce Willis, and Clint Eastwood.

So many memories of my father had come flooding back to me, of all the good times we had together. I had always remembered the bad times we had, and there were many, but the good times seemed to have slipped away until recently. He took me to see Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace, and although it was a disappointment, I can remember how happy and excited I was to go and see it with him, although that was probably the last one we saw together. There were a lot of films he took me to see, such as Jurassic Park and Star Trek: First Contact, or The Saint. I think 1999 was probably the last year we'd gone to the cinema together, it was a good year because as well as Star Wars, we saw The Matrix, The Mummy and The Haunting. That was also the year I started to go off to the cinema on my own, with my own friends, and without my father.

Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves was a film we both loved, and it will always carry a special memory for me. You see, my father was from Nottingham, and the legend of Robin Hood was one that I loved, it was his story, his legend. We visited Nottingham castle when I was very young. I know Prince of Thieves was not the definitive telling of the tale, but it's a film that's completely embedded in my memories of my father. I guess it's why I'll always have time for Kevin Costner as an actor, and Waterworld was another film that my father took me to see in the cinema.

As strict as he was most of the time, he never objected to me watching violent movies, and I guess I'll always thank him for that. I was about 11 or 12, and we watched Aliens together. It scared the life out of me, but he was there, minding me throughout it all. He took me to the video store every so often, and he'd always let me pick out the films to rent. I don't think he ever really rented anything himself, but I think we always had the same tastes, and we'd always watch them together.. We both liked a lot of sci-fi films and TV shows, we loved to sit and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation together, The X Files, and I still remember us watching Space: Above and Beyond.

I always knew what it was like to lose someone you were close to, since my granddad died when I was very young, there was deaths of uncles and my grandmother throughout my life, but this was different. Despite how separate we were in the later years, this felt the closest. In the end, I loved him. I guess I don't have any regrets, but having all those fond memories come floating back to me, I started thinking about all the things we'd never share again. How I'd seen films lately that he would have loved, like Taken. One of the last conversations was about some DVDs I had bought him for Christmas. I got him the Denzel Washington version of The Manchurian Candidate. He liked it.